as black as the night can get
everything is safer now
there’s always a way to forget
once you learn to find a way how

in the blur of serenity
where did everything get lost?
the flowers of naivete
buried in a layer of frost

the smell of sunshine
I remember sometimes

thought he had it all before they called his bluff
found out that his skin just wasn’t thick enough
wanted to go back to how it was before
thought he lost everything
then he lost a whole lot more

a fool’s devotion
swallowed up in empty space
the tears of regret
frozen to the side of his face

the smell of sunshine
I remember sometimes

I’ve done all I can do
could I please come with you?
sweet smell of sunshine
I remember sometimes

“It’s a test of ultimate will
The heartbreak climb uphill
Got to pick up the pace
If you want to stay in the race
More than just blind ambition
More than just simple greed
More than just a finish line
Must feed this burning need”

I want the deepest, darkest, sickest parts of you that you are afraid to share with anyone, because I love you that much.

I really don’t wanna be here today listening to these fucks. I’ve got a killer migraine and I wanna slap these idiots. They don’t want help anyway!! The world would be a better place without them. Maybe I’m just grumpy right now, I care….I do. But sometimes it’s frustrating.

“Self-compassion entails three core components. First, it requires self-kindness, that we be gentle and understanding with ourselves rather than harshly critical and judgmental. Second, it requires recognition of our common humanity, feeling connected with others in the experience of life rather than feeling isolated and alienated by our suffering. Third, it requires mindfulness-that we hold our experience in balanced awareness, rather than ignoring our pain or exaggerating it. We must achieve and combine these three essential elements in order to be truly self-compassionate.”

“We all have the tendency to believe self-doubt and self-criticism, but listening to this voice never gets us closer to our goals. Instead, try on the point of view of a mentor or good fiend who believes in you, wants the best for your, and will encourage you when you feel discouraged.”

It’s all the same
Sex in the air
Your promise is all the same
You’ll be the one who will always care

But how can you promise the world?
How can you promise your heart when it’s always searching?

But I’m just like you

I don’t want to deny my heart its chance to feel
I don’t want to deny my soul something real
Is there anything left in this world that will satisfy me?

Do you really love him? They’ll say
Your second chances scribbled in the rules
But I think the consequence
It’s just
Something more feels so exciting now
And this black romance is so enticing
And this desire is worth the fighting

But is it worth deciding that I am just like you?

I don’t want to deny my heart its chance to feel
I don’t want to deny my soul something real
Is there anything left in this world that will satisfy you and me?

(And it keeps repeating)
And it keeps repeating
It keeps repeating
(And we keep believing)
And we keep believing
We keep believing

Disrupt the part of me that needs some space
Repeat that look I see in your face
Remind me of truth
Remind me of the reason for existing
Remind me of truth
Remind me of the reason for existing

Another one of my all time favorite songs. Vedera kicks ass.

This song is bad ass for so many reasons. One of my all time favorites and always will be. It’s funky as fuck and the lyrics are so powerful!!!!

Enjoy!!!

I’ve got a soul
That cannot sleep
At night when something
Just ain’t right
Blood red
But without sight
Exploding egos
In the night
Mix like sticks
Of dynamite
Red black or white
This is my fight
Come on courage
Let’s be heard
Turn feelings
Into words
American equality
Has always been sour
An attitude
I would like to devour
My name is peace
This is my hour
Can I get
Just a little bit of power

The power of equality
Is not yet what it ought to be (ought to be)
It fills me up like a hollow tree (hollow tree)
The power of equality

Right or wrong
My song is strong
You don’t like it
Get along
Say what I want
Do what I can
Death to the message
Of the Ku Klux Klan
I don’t buy supremacy
Media chief
You menace me
The people you say
‘Cause all the crime
Wake up motherfucker
And smell the slime
Blackest anger
Whitest fear
Can you hear me
Am I clear
My name is peace
This is my hour
Can I get
Just a little bit of power

The power of equality
Is not yet what it ought to be (ought to be)
It fills me up like a hollow tree (hollow tree)
The power of equality

I’ve got tapes
I’ve got CD’s
I’ve got my public enemy
My lilly white ass
Is tickled pink
When I listen to the music
That makes me think
Not another
Motherfuckin’ politician
Doin’ nothin’ but something
For his own ambition
Never touch
The sound we make
Soul sacred love
Vows that we take
To create straight
What is true
Yo he’s with me
And what I do
My name is peace
This is my hour
Can I get
Just a little bit of power

The power of equality
Is not yet what it ought to be (ought to be)
It fills me up like a hollow tree (hollow tree)
The power of equality

Madder than a motherfucker
Lick my finger
Can’t forget
‘Cause the memory lingers
Count ‘em off quick
Little piccadilly sickness
Take me to the hick
Eat my thickness
I’ve got a welt
From the bible belt
Dealing with the hand
That I’ve been dealt
Sitting in the grip
Of a killing fist
Giving up blood
Just to exist
Rub me wrong
And I get pissed
No I cannot
Get to this
People in pain
I do not dig it
Change of brain
For Mr Bigot

Little brother do you hear me
Have a heart oh come get near me
Misery is not my friend
But I’ll break before I bend
What I see is insanity
What ever happened to humanity
What ever happened to humanity
What ever happened to humanity

I don’t know how to be loved. 

Leave me, rape me, hurt me, be mean to me…I know how to deal with that. Love me and I get stuck on stupid. 

I don’t do well with intimate relationships. 

It’s like…why are you here still? ahhh just stop prolonging it…you’re gonna leave cause I am too much anyways, why drag it on, just go now and make it easy on both of us. 

What a fucked up way of thinking huh? Yeah, I think so too. It’s an awful feeling. 

It’s a combo of things. 

It’s a pattern with the fucks in my life and then it could easily just turn into a vicious cycle cause it’s like “well, fuck you think i’m always gonna leave …i’ll just leave then” so this prediction will be fulfilled once again which will only make the next that much harder and the other person who left has no clue how deeply this is actually rooted. 

So, here is my question

Can a relationship make it through this? It’s a lot of work…on both ends, will all that work just ruin it completely and make it a job and not even be something that is enjoyed? 

This is ugly. 

I wish someone just loved, understood and accepted all I am and I wish someone would stay by my side as I try my best to overcome these obstacles. It gets lonely. But lets get real, people don’t wanna deal with this bullshit. 

Sometimes I wonder, why do I do this to myself? It would be so much easier to give in to the easy things that provide short term satisfaction from these feelings instead of trying to completely and totally rewire my brain to be normal and healthy. 

But then I remember, I wanted/want/ and will always want more for my life. Something inside of my goes for the beauty, I must reach that one day. The beauty of love, real love. 

He deserves so much love.